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Thursday, June 30, 2011

Battle of the Storylines!

Here are the two dueling story lines. Below is an excerpt from each, from the same moment in the story. The first excerpt is the original, in which Cassie the main character is finding out the adoptive parents of her child have both died unexpectedly.
The second is the newer rewrite where the parents do not die but the child is very very sick. I very well may end up writing them both to completion and then choosing but would love to hear what you guys think! Thanks for your time and I hope you enjoy!

“How did you find out? When did this happen? What happened?” I cradle my chipped coffee mug , cringing at the acrid cold taste, I drink it anyway.

“I got a call earlier today, I’m an emergency contact for the Eliots, in case anything ever happened to them or Connor. I’ve been at the hospital all day waiting. They were coming back from the zoo; a truck driver dozed off and veered into their lane, smashing them into the wall on the freeway.” I shudder, the echo of shattering glass and crumpling metal swells in  my ears.

“If they were at the zoo then Connor was in the car, are you sure he’s ok?” bile skyrockets towards my teeth.

“He’s fine; he’s with Sarah’s mother for tonight. Some minor bruises and cuts from the broken glass. God Cassie, Tom was killed on impact, the truck plowed right into his door. Sarah was pinned in but the SUV began to smoke. According to the witness accounts and the police report she got herself free and pulled Connor out of his seat and they went out the broken windshield just as the car caught fire. The big rig was carrying flammable liquid. There was a leak.” She hesitates giving me the chance to stop her before she burns Sarah’s fate into my memory.
“How did you find out? When did this happen? What happened?” I cradle my chipped coffee mug , cringing at the acrid cold taste, I drink it anyway.

“I got the call earlier, I’ve been at the hospital waiting to find out more. He’s been sick for a few weeks now but late last night they rushed him to the E.R.” I shift uncomfortably on the vinyl seat, cold sweat washing over me like a tidal wave.

“So how sick? Like the chicken pox? What exactly are we talking about here Janice?” I can hear my mouth machine gunning the questions into the air but I can’t stop it, even though I don’t want to know the answers.

“It looks like leukemia. They should have confirmation by Monday.”Tears threaten to break through her eyeliner and pull rivers of charcoal black down her cheeks. I can’t breathe. Leukemia…no they’re wrong. Leukemia ? The more my mind mulls the word the less it feel real, I try wrapping my lips around it but it still doesn’t fit.

“Leukemia.” My eyes travel the table top and up to Janice’s, there nestled in her dark round pupils is the truth. LEUKEMIA.

Comment and let me know what you think!

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